Mikko Zenger: Does a cultural Tourist eat Steaks in India?

Tourism and dicta-tourism are the two most flagrantly expanding fields of global economy. In addition to present-buying, tourists can be spotted because they have a return ticket - dicta-tourists need only a one-way ticket. It is easy to make fun of us tourists: tourists avoid their like, the tourist's journey culminates with a dinner in a restaurant which has never been entered by another tourist… But not to worry: if we do not want to be tourists or to become refugees we can assume the role of the studying tourist, the rucksack tourist, the sex tourist, or the cultural tourist A friend of mine who left his heart in Greece claims he avoids Turkey because it lacks culture. In order to avoid a possible wild-goose-chase, I recommend India for culture vultures. The vast diversity of this country, often called the museum of cultures, guarantees that every tourist will no doubt find a 'true' India of his own.

Defining India is no easier than defining cultural tourism. It has been said that everything that is said about India is as true as are the antitheses. India is a risk. Some swear they have only visited India twice, for the first time and the last. Others get hooked. In his time, the German indologist Max Müller warned his students not to travel to India. He feared that the everyday reality of the pariah would prevent his students from seeing the enormous cultural treasures of India. Müller was unable to forgive the poor for spoiling his 'true' India.

Cultural tourists start to work on their thesis only after the journey. How to present India? The lay preacher has an enormous responsibility: it is all too easy to turn India into entertainment. Even everyday stories easily sound like flirting with misery - and that sells.

People have often thanked me after my lectures. With the help of my 'colourful stories' about India, they claim to have ultimately realised how good a country Finland really is, and to have made a promise that they will now - at last - light a candle on Independence Day. Was that what I wanted? Should we not first get different 'cultures' to speak related languages and only after that start sharing responsibility with the audience? Would an 'Indian witness' help?

I discovered the solution when I met a Finnish guru. He told me a moral tale from India. One evening, the guru was eating a delicious vegetable thali in an restaurant called Orion. He paid his bill with a 100 rupee note. When he did not receive any change, he called the waiter. The waiter, however, only shook his head with an enigmatic expression. The guru became impatient and asked: "Please can I have my change?". The waiter measured up the guru, who was dressed in white kurta pyjamas, with his eyes and said, smiling: "As a guru you should know that the change can come only from inside".

This story made me think of a female guru from Kerala who has been hugged by a number of Finns too. Bearing in mind that the majority of those who travel to India dream of having a deeper look into Indian culture, I became certain that my idea would work. At last, painless cultural cooperation…

Today, it is my pleasure to inform you that the Ministry of Foreign Affairs has sent its first 90 Finndependence huggers to the field - and certainly not to hug trees. Both the touchables (caste Hindus) and untouchables (Hindus outside the caste system) wait, with their fingers itching, for these convergence experts to arrive.

For one month, the Finns will set an example by hugging each other in villages. Then they will start to hug the village bigwigs who are, of course, blindfolded to protect them from culture shock. The foremost aim of this sustainable hugging cooperation is to teach Indians to hug across cultural borders. Once the caste system has been buried, the then unemployed huggers can be trained as tourist guides.

Mikko Zenger